I’m thinking about “parking spot” Christianity. What I mean by this is people who think that God has answered their prayer when they’ve asked for a parking spot. Let me explain. Yesterday, I went to see some live theater ( “How to Be a Korean Woman”) with my brother, Jon. I dropped Jon off in front of the venue, and then circled a roughly six block, urban and dense radius for about 20 minutes to look for street parking. I was willing to pay. It didn’t need to be free. But it was fruitless—as I should have expected for a Friday night in Dupont Circle, DC. I got so desperate and frustrated that I began to pray for a parking spot. I guess I kind of told God that if He didn’t provide a spot within my next loop, then I would take it as a signal that He didn’t want me to see the play, and I would just ditch my brother and drive home alone.
Lo and behold, upon my final loop, I landed the very best free spot possible, smack dab in front of the venue.
So here’s the question – after Evan has died, do I still believe that God answered my prayer and gave me that one juicy parking spot? Or do I believe that my prayer had nothing to do with it and it was just a fluke and that prayer was a way of me calming down my own body and dealing with my anxiety? I do feel immense gratitude to God for letting me enjoy the play (it’s an excellent production, by the way). But do I believe that my prayer had ANYTHING TO DO with the causality of it?
My mom and dad’s standard posture towards God makes me think about this as well. They are missionaries, and they send out quarterly support newsletters (called the “Chui’s Chronicles”. I love this title for many reasons, including the immigrant grammatical incorrectness of it all). In their latest newsletter, they announced that Evan had taken his own life. And the one lesson they took from the tragedy was this, “One thing we learned is that we must be interceding for our kids and grandchildren more fervently.”
Essentially, my parents are saying that prayer changes God’s mind. That if they had only prayed more, God would have been more compassionate?? Generous?? He would have done what they wanted and kept Evan alive? It’s like they prayed with an intensity of 8/10 and if they had only prayed 10/10 then Evan would still be alive????
I have trouble with this. I can’t believe in such a fickle God who would be swayed by imperfect humans and their fervent religiosity. At the same time, I do believe in a wholly good, just, loving, and perfect Being who can’t be more generous or more compassionate than He already Is.
So I guess I believe that prayer doesn’t shelter us as much as it does change us. And that God does answer every single prayer, but just not in the way that we expected. Because if He did what I expected, then I would be God. So really all my ruminations come down to a simple yes or no question – do I believe God is better than me? Do I think I would make a better “God”?
My neural reflexes still point me to prayer. And I’m not sad about that.